Get out and DO something. Stop going to the burbs with him all the time. If the moms just dropping by it cant be *that* far away. June 18, 2014, 11:34 am. This too. January 20, 2012, 9:37 am. remember, its only been 3 weeks since you moved in. It would be a lot of some, but we like it. I am not asking you to minimize your concerns by any means, again just to caution you about being perceived as making this a me or your family conversation. Self-reflection should always come first when we want to repair relationships with others, especially important people. I would not enjoy feeling like I couldnt just be at home some weekends. Some things you may never known until you move in together. Anonymousse January 20, 2012, 3:04 pm. Its hard not knowing when a passing will Is it a deal breaker? Yeah, they moved in together after only 3 months. I have been marriend two my husband for five years. GatorGirl They arent her parents. CottonTheCuteDog Ryan Howes, clinical psychologist. SpaceySteph The LW may be overreacting. Maybe he feels that since he sees the gf all week now, he should spend weekends with his family. January 20, 2012, 11:10 am. Really? Tax Geek Dont necessarily agree with this.. For example, if he goes there during the day, has lunch with them, and then comes home and spends time with her, I dont think that is such a bad arrangement. I would focus on how you miss spending time just the two of you, exploring the city, going to your favorite restaurants, etc. Perhaps it would be better for the LW to MOA and let her boyfriend find someone else who may not object to spending all weekend, every weekend, with his parents. Its not all men, its your man and the LWs. I think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time. It is clear that his family comes first, and your family and your wishes are less important to him. I have friends who are engaged and live together. Other than the timeline (which could be a typo), Im confused about something else. I can understand both sides. Im also curious about how far away the parents live. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Link AnneJune 18, 2014, 10:20 am January 20, 2012, 9:16 am, LW I would sit down and talk with your BF. You even noticed thatyour husband wants to visit his family without you. Honestly, I think its a good thing to spend a little time apart once in a while the fact that I miss him and get excited for him to come home after a day or two away is a reminder of how much I love him and how happy I am that were living together in the first place. By not wanting to rock the boat people are just blindly having faith in relationships. ForeverYoung She simply doesnt have to be at the parents place with her boyfriend that often. Its time for him to grow up. If this has only been happening for three weeks, I dont really think you have a reason to worry. Pretty much. June 18, 2014, 12:38 pm. It showed up in the wrong spot for some reason. If I was gone for a month at a time, you can bet when I went home, seeing my parents would be a top priority. BGM never agrees with the woman. January 20, 2012, 8:02 am. While there is nothing wrong with being close with your family, it becomes a problem when you prioritize your family of origin over your significant other. Youre lifestyles dont mesh and they probably never will. From that, I can either follow blindly and accept whatever consequences arise form our different spending styles, or, if it is a deal breaker for me, I move. A lot of family time. Sources: Ive studied psychology and dysfunctional family dynamics for years. Do you guys never visit/spend time with them? Or boys night out, so I can stay home and watch the silly teen girl movies like Easy A or Clueless. Find a free movie or concert in the park, those seem to be like everywhere. At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. First, they have to lead partners to interact with each other in a positive way. My dads side of the family is like this- I have an uncle and aunt who spend every day at my grandparents for at least a few hours. On one side you get the parents who reinforce their power and superior knowledge over and over again by holding their adult children in the nest, on the other side you get an individual who rather depend on the parents because by the time they are adults its just much easier and normal for them to continue letting mommy and daddy do all the hard thinking for them. On top of that, he got sisters who also constantly texts him and hangs out with them a lot as well. WebHis wife is his family now and she should be his first priority. I know I had to tell my husband he still had to date me and it was news to him! GatorGirl *If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter. I get that its a little different in Europe but I kept picturing my host brother when I read about the LWs boyfriend. i think you are more direct than a lot of people and maybe more communicative. Alone time doesnt have to be at home (even if its sex wink wink), and if youre not there, they cant drop by! The timeline seems off here. I think the problem here is that if the boyfriend doesnt go to his moms house, shell drop by and visit them. January 20, 2012, 11:26 am. Yeah, money is always touchier than anything else. I stand by it. You dont need to spend every weekend or every day with your boyfriend. Now, I usually call my mom once a week and my MIL occasionally. I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. OR look up state parks. I never realized it actually made people feel like shit though. January 20, 2012, 9:29 am. They could deny it, and if they wanted to change, they could. Bring it up and communicate your feelings and desires. I know its tough when your fellow is away during the week and you want to see him too but if it stresses you out, take yourself out of the situation. Then, he needs to ask her, calmly and without accusation, why she prefers to spend her weekends with her But Im a very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind of person. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. She cant change him, so if she doesnt like it, she should probably find someone who wants more couple time. some of my siblings and their significant others would come only for lunch and head out, sometimes theyd stay longer, etc etc. I love girls night out. I am actually not promoting anything. Dont you like spending time with us. If bf is always armed with a pre-agreed engagement with LW, he is better able to handle parental pressure. But are they really guilting the boyfriend? I really like going on dates and spending time with just you on Saturday and exploring the city, parton_doll I talk to my boyfriend about this, but he doesnt think either he or his parents encourage this kind of behavior or that the behavior is even weird. When you talk to your boyfriend about your concerns be careful that it is not perceived as an ultimatum, just that you would like to discuss other options of things to do on the weekend. Also it seems from the way you have described things that you all value family time in different ways. Oh yeah I forgot to leave out I never see my family at all he spends every holiday with his parents while I sit at home with my children, Skyblossom January 20, 2012, 8:49 am. Just remember how he didnt want tomove out of his parents house. Sometimes I think that theres something that happens around the 3-6 month mark in most relationships. No one said they cant, just that they like to see each other on weekends. If he wants to spend time with their family, perhaps you can go with him when he visits. Even if it isnt a matter of cutting apron strings or anything, some people just enjoy spending more time with their families than others. Its like of course your boyfriend told you he wasnt cheating on you he wanted to continue to bang you and get all the other benefits of the relationship. Lemongrass . Its one thing to have dinner with your family once a week. Yes, maybe it is a little TOO much time with the family. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly four years now and have discussed marriage in the near future. If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. That way your BF gets to see his parents, and you arent having to schlep back and forth. In my experience, if you manage to schedule some quality couple time whatever activity counts as that for you every weekend, youre likely to care much less about visiting the in-laws etc. He told you hedoesnt want to spend Christmas with your family. It always strikes me as odd when people write letters before even trying to work it out on their own. And next weekend. I think at around this point in relationships, the traditional roles of pursuer and pursued tend to go away. We were together but doing our own thing. But, in a very close and codependent family dynamic this doesnt get to really happen much. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. January 20, 2012, 11:17 am. Tell him youre staying home three weekends out of four (which is completely reasonable) and hes welcome to stay with you or hes free to go see his parents, but you live in the city because you like the urban life and the weekend is your time to enjoy that life. i really disliked him. If he chooses visiting his parents because the alternative is sitting at home, plan some fun things for you two to do together that will be too good for him to pass up. If you dont like this? Once that ebbs a little, I predict things are going to get problematic. This boyfriend seems like one of those people whose default is go home. I bet when he lived at home he barely left the house. LW, you are not being unreasonable! Letting this fester is only gonna blow the issue way out of proportion. This went on for two and a half years, and after that we moved in together. Direct than a lot of some, but we like it, especially important.... To change, they moved in together i think the problem here husband wants to spend every weekend with his family that if the moms just dropping it... Wendy posts here things that you all value family time in different ways on for and., money is always touchier than anything else having to schlep back and forth value time. And codependent family dynamic this doesnt get to really happen much confused about something else family comes first they. First, they moved in together after only 3 months never known until you move in.! Simply doesnt have to be at the center, authority figures in positive. 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